WORK HARD

Working hard is hard.

First you have to wake up

then you have to work hard

and you work and you work

work work work work

and you work

and then you eat an avocado

and then work some more

then you cough up the avocado skin

because you forgot to not eat that part

and you work and work and work

and then you hack up the avocado seed

next time stop working to eat

an avocado right 

and you will be okay.

A LESSON IN DOING THINGS RIGHT

Here are all the things I’ve learned on how to do things right:

Do not hold farts in

Do not let farts out

Eat raw barley and oats

and little pieces of brown wet grass

in yogurt.

Make sure that when you do things

for the first time

you have your eyes closed

and all your toes crossed.

Do the hoky poky.

Light all your rollerblades on fire.

Breath deep.

Watch blankly as your dog licks it’s butthole

realize what you have been watching for a while

and pretend like you were looking at the pile of trash

just behind your dog.

Lie to all your friends and family.

Lie to yourself.

Eat vienna sausage.

CHORES

There is a trick

to finishing chores.

Tie a broom to one leg

and a mop to the other.

A dish rag stitched to one hand

and a duster welded to the other.

Keep a can of air freshener

locked between your groin.

Go about your day like normal.

NEWS UPDATE

Has anyone seen a snake? He was just in a bucket of water and slithered away with 10 stolen cars. They are my dad's cars and I need them back before he gets home from work or I am in big trouble.

GOOD HABITS

Do you know how to form good habits?

 

    I do. This is how:

 

Only eat nuts. This will give you diarrhea, but this is a good thing.

Smoke until your skin turns yellow. This sounds like jaundice, but it is actually very attractive.

Wait until someone yells at you to do something. This is called motivation.

Use dull knives when chopping vegetables. 

    Eventually you will scream and miss the vegetable and slice your finger.

    This is called no pain, no gain. Humans like this saying to justify America.

If you huff paint, good ideas will come to you and you will finish that novel.

Once you have done the nut cleanse and had diarrhea for three years, that should have gotten         out all the toxins and now you don’t have to eat anymore. This is called diet.

Sit cross legged until your butt atrophies. Now you are completely self-sustaining.

 

Good habits are hard to form. You will be glad you did them when you are dead, though.

How to Have a Great Day

Do not eat Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch.

Do not eat two pieces of bread for breakfast.

Do not sit on the floor for 4 hours straight.

Do not watch 3 movies in a row.

    Perhaps 2, but certainly not 3.

Do not play anything on addictinggames.com.

Do not have one bottle of wine.

    Have two.

Have sex after yoga.

    You can skip the yoga part.

 

ADULT BRAIN

Don’t forget to

 

read about all the candidates 

and all the legislature 

and remember what a legislature means

and what the difference between a bill and a vice president

and an appeal all are.

 

Also remember that 

 

trash goes out this Tuesday but not the next

but if you put it out last Tuesday don’t forget 

to separate the recycling from the

feed the chickens and fill in the hole the dog dug

in the back yard and also there is dog poop everywhere

so pick that up and put it in the

laundry don’t leave it in the dryer or it will wrinkle

and then if it wrinkles you need to borrow an iron from

what’s that burning oh its the coffee pot left on all day

and when was the last time you swept? 

Yesterday? that’s it? Because it’s gross again

the toilet is dirty as well and nobody has cleaned

the moldings anywhere in the house in a long time

 

also the library books are due and I have one on hold

and thats close to the grocery store 

which is great because i have twelve items of food

that need to be bought so that I can eat

and also maybe there might be a potluck

and also the library book on hold when does it stop

being on hold because I could use that to relax this weekend

when I forget to read because I am looking at my smart phone

because it is much brighter and more engaging than a book

but thats okay its a library book and I have another renewal on that one

 

Did I agree to

 

help out that friend that I haven't talked to in a while

but is moving their stuff some five hours away to 

another place that is also five hours

the 28th is coming up and I swear I said I would do something

really anything but its really left me but at the time

and when was my soccer game was it this Wednesday?

No no it will be on Friday which isn’t normal and

I agreed to do something else on friday but I don't remember what that was

did I ask someone to sub for me then

whats that burning smell

oh its my yeast infection which i haven't called the doctor about

because I don't have a doctor right now 

because my other doctor moved so now I need to find a good doc

do you recommend one thats great no I’ll remember their name

I don’t need to write that down.

 

God, I love being an adult.

 

ANIMAL MONEY

What if all the animals

actually had a currency

and it was human lives

and that’s the reason

why we die;

our life was traded

for 16 walnuts

or for 3 micro-acres of

forest floor

or for a chance

to get with the alpha-female.

I guess we’ll never know.

WOW YES LOVE

I am such an open-minded person;

the other day

I didn’t move when a really stinky person

sat next to me on the bus!

I have a friend who chain-smokes

and a friend who dates trans-people.

I know, you are thinking

“Wow, she is so good at not judging”.

Yes, I definitely do not judge.

I love all people.

The only emotion I feel all the time is love.

Yes love love love wow I just love everyone

No anger or hatred here!

Nope!

Because I am open-minded!

Did I mention I can do yoga?

I tried meditating once

and I don’t frown when people talk in foreign languages.

I don’t try and walk fast around homeless people

I don’t mind that they are homeless!

I feel bad for them

sometimes I even smile at them!

Wow wow wow

you are thinking,

“How is she so kind and open-minded?”

I can tell you my secret:

I don’t judge!

I only experience love

yes yes yes this is totally true.

MISSING ITEMS

Has anyone seen

 

2 My Little Pony plastic figures

(one is green with blue hair and one is blue with green hair)

1 key to the college music hall

a navy peacoat (not very warm, but very slimming)

a yellow parakeet named Wyatt Chirp

3,452 bobby pins

a ring with some little goats on it

1 down North Face sleeping bag (my sisters)

24 socks without a matching pair

a small red space heater

a grey, maroon, and blue hat

1 iPod mini, mint green

an aeropress coffee maker?

 

My life is fine right now

but I have lost these things in the last 25 years.

 

NOT COOL DOG

My dog

is so desperate.

It makes her very uncool.

Nobody likes to hang out with her much.

She overthinks all her interactions

and still manages to get so many things

wrong.

 

Poor dog.

PEANUT BUTTER TRICKS

I’ve got a magic trick:

 

    Put a spoonful of peanut butter in anything!

Improves everything, INSTANTLY!

 

Of course there is the classic peanut butter in ramen trick,

    but did you know you can also smear it on your lover’s dick?

 

Alright but seriously,

    this is my recipe

    for casting a curse:

 

Go to the old pine forest outback behind your neighbor Linda’s pool

    find the single deciduous tree,

    preferably maple.

Draw a circle, two stars, and an ice cream cone

    in the dirt.

Take one spoonful of peanut butter

    rub vigorously on the trunk of the maple.

Oh, don’t forget to have peanut butter in both shoes,

    and make sure these are Reeboks.

Now close your eyelids so hard that they rip right off your face!

Replace eyelids with peanut butter.

 

Go inside and make a peanut butter and honey sandwich.

Give it to the one you are cursing.

 

Wait for the magic to happen!

You should see results in 2 weeks, but this can take up to 83 years,

depending on the peanut butter brand.

Brands are incredibly important, especially when it comes to magic.

 

Another trick? This is my remedy for lying to yourself

about your looks and how smart you are not and 

how you’re hopeless because you don’t know how to be happy

with what you have:

 

    Take one spoonful of peanut butter

    rub it just above your butt crack.

    Walk around the rest of your life

    like it isn't there.

 

Please be sure that others can see it 

so that they know you are lying to yourself.

 

Last trick I will tell you before you have to buy my book on amazon.com:

If you are having doubts

take the item you are doubting

(or if it is an idea, write it on a sassafras leaf)

and boil 3 cups of water in a hole dug in the front yard of your neighbor Linda’s house.

Make sure it is your anger and the earth’s core that boils this water

Now take your spoonful of peanut butter

and the item (or leaf) that you are doubting

and place both in the hole.

Take the roadkill out on the street in front of Linda’s house, always preferably a squirrel,

skunks tend to have a strange affect 20 years from now,

and use it to stir your doubt soup.

Put the roadkill in the hole and bury before Linda gets home from running errands.

 

WARNING: if you masturbate within 32 hours of this trick you will have infinitely more doubts 

the rest of your life.

 

These are the only peanut butter tricks I can give for free.

COMPUTER GAMES

I’m looking for all the old computer games

I used to play

Like Sid Meier’s Civ 4

Zoo Tycoon

The Sims Pets

because I was a brilliant child

and I would like to be brilliant again.

TEA TIME

Sometimes I sit down for tea or coffee in the afternoon,

    to give myself balance.

My leg starts to shake soon after

so to stop my leg shaking

I do a push-up or two

and then remember that push-ups are stupid

and then I sit back down to drink another sip

but then I remember how much I dislike burning my mouth

so I sit there and meditate

but then I remember that we don’t have a microwave

so if I’m going to drink this, I’d rather it be hot,

so I suck it up and drink the fucking thing.

 

I am living a healthy, balanced life.