Here are all the things I’ve learned on how to do things right:
Do not hold farts in
Do not let farts out
Eat raw barley and oats
and little pieces of brown wet grass
Make sure that when you do things
for the first time
you have your eyes closed
and all your toes crossed.
Do the hoky poky.
Light all your rollerblades on fire.
Watch blankly as your dog licks it’s butthole
realize what you have been watching for a while
and pretend like you were looking at the pile of trash
just behind your dog.
Lie to all your friends and family.
Lie to yourself.
Eat vienna sausage.