I’ve got a magic trick:


    Put a spoonful of peanut butter in anything!

Improves everything, INSTANTLY!


Of course there is the classic peanut butter in ramen trick,

    but did you know you can also smear it on your lover’s dick?


Alright but seriously,

    this is my recipe

    for casting a curse:


Go to the old pine forest outback behind your neighbor Linda’s pool

    find the single deciduous tree,

    preferably maple.

Draw a circle, two stars, and an ice cream cone

    in the dirt.

Take one spoonful of peanut butter

    rub vigorously on the trunk of the maple.

Oh, don’t forget to have peanut butter in both shoes,

    and make sure these are Reeboks.

Now close your eyelids so hard that they rip right off your face!

Replace eyelids with peanut butter.


Go inside and make a peanut butter and honey sandwich.

Give it to the one you are cursing.


Wait for the magic to happen!

You should see results in 2 weeks, but this can take up to 83 years,

depending on the peanut butter brand.

Brands are incredibly important, especially when it comes to magic.


Another trick? This is my remedy for lying to yourself

about your looks and how smart you are not and 

how you’re hopeless because you don’t know how to be happy

with what you have:


    Take one spoonful of peanut butter

    rub it just above your butt crack.

    Walk around the rest of your life

    like it isn't there.


Please be sure that others can see it 

so that they know you are lying to yourself.


Last trick I will tell you before you have to buy my book on

If you are having doubts

take the item you are doubting

(or if it is an idea, write it on a sassafras leaf)

and boil 3 cups of water in a hole dug in the front yard of your neighbor Linda’s house.

Make sure it is your anger and the earth’s core that boils this water

Now take your spoonful of peanut butter

and the item (or leaf) that you are doubting

and place both in the hole.

Take the roadkill out on the street in front of Linda’s house, always preferably a squirrel,

skunks tend to have a strange affect 20 years from now,

and use it to stir your doubt soup.

Put the roadkill in the hole and bury before Linda gets home from running errands.


WARNING: if you masturbate within 32 hours of this trick you will have infinitely more doubts 

the rest of your life.


These are the only peanut butter tricks I can give for free.