Here are all the things I’ve learned on how to do things right:

Do not hold farts in

Do not let farts out

Eat raw barley and oats

and little pieces of brown wet grass

in yogurt.

Make sure that when you do things

for the first time

you have your eyes closed

and all your toes crossed.

Do the hoky poky.

Light all your rollerblades on fire.

Breath deep.

Watch blankly as your dog licks it’s butthole

realize what you have been watching for a while

and pretend like you were looking at the pile of trash

just behind your dog.

Lie to all your friends and family.

Lie to yourself.

Eat vienna sausage.